There is something magical about winter.
It is really easy to feel isolated, and just plain weary of the cold, wind, ice, and snow. I have certainly been there before. In fact, last winter was so incredibly bitter, I had convinced myself that every winter thereafter would be just as dreadful and painful. It has occured to me that I felt that way because my dad died in the very last days of fall, and the constant falling of the snow, and the gusts of bitter wind mocked my grief. With the spring, came a new beginning. I was most certainly a changed person. Just as a caterpillar morphs into a butterfly, I also spent last winter undergoing a magnificent transformation. My dad's journey, from this life into his next, took me places I didn't think I could go. I am stronger, less fearful, and more trusting of my own intuition. I also have a very different outlook on the winter months, and what they represent.
There is no denying the stark polarities in life: the light and the darkness, life and death, love and grief, motion and stillness, etc. One would not exist without the other. The long-celebrate yin-yang symbol is a beautiful reference to the seperateness and oneness of all things. Winter is the other side of summer. Summer is full of motion, light, warmth, and outward expressions. Winter reminds us of the stillness in nature and in ourselves. For me, winter is a time to turn inward, and to spend time connecting with your own spirit. The cold, snow, and ice naturally bring us inside, where we spend time together. It is something I have learned to embrace, and even look forward to.
I choose to see Winter as a natural hibernation of sorts. Life on Earth is not dead - it is resting. Just as we sleep to repair and refuel, the Earth rests and wakes in the spring with new radiance. The differences in nature remind me of the differences in us. We are given cues to rest, to plant, to dance, to harvest, to reap, and to rest once more.
I enjoy the warnth and the glow of the sun as much as anyone else. I look forward to its return, and now as the days begin to grow longer, I can feel the anticipation of something new building inside me. Still, I seek to live in the here and now, and to appreciate where we are at this moment. And to that, I say, let it snow.
Ruth
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Enchanted: An Evening With Idina Menzel
My Heart-Shaped Balloon
Anyone who knows me knows that great music and live theater bring me great joy. I have been very fortunate to experience some amazing performances of “Wicked” in the last year and a half. I have watched talented performers literally become someone else through the power of music and emotion. I have been inspired by their dedication, passion, and gratitude. I have gotten to know many of these very kind people, a few of them rather well, and I feel blessed to have their friendship. I realize that there are many people who I have would not have otherwise been able to connect with but for this shared love and appreciation. Music, and the performing arts bring people together in a way that very few things on Earth do.
In the last eighteen months, I have learned a lot about the very exhausting yet exhilarating work of live performers. I appreciate the amount of energy and dedication that goes into the transformation we get to see onstage. There is such fluidity and consistency among the parts of the whole, that you nearly forget that the performers are “real people” and are very separate from the complex characters they portray eight times a week.
The first time I saw Wicked, in October 2009, I was completely enchanted. I was lucky enough to hold a seat in the first row, and I was able to see all of the rich details in the costumes, the authenticity of the props, and, most importantly, the very telling facial expressions. This was my first live theater experience, and I credit the amazing cast of the Second National Touring Company of Wicked for awakening that unlikely spark within me.
Every performer I know will tell you how blessed they feel to be working and to love what they get to do. Exceptional performers make what they do look fun, fresh, and effortless, regardless how many times they have done it before. It might seem like these very talented people are just “dancing through life” and having a glamorous time all of the time. The truth is that these performers take their careers very seriously, and they worked very hard to get where they are. These men and women didn’t just pop into an audition one day for fun. They went to school, hold degrees, and work six days a week.
The first time I saw the show, I was so engaged in the experience, that I believed that Marcie Dodd was Elphaba. She embodied the Elphaba I knew in every possible way. I felt like I was watching Oz unfold less than ten feet in front of me. I left the theater changed, affected in a way I could not fully describe. On the drive home I started thinking about who the performers were. Where did they call home? Were any of them parents? Did any of them have spouses waiting for them?
The impression stayed with me a long time. I wondered what it must be like to travel the country, to change cities every three to four weeks, to literally live with your co-workers. When the holidays came, I thought about the cast and crew and how they were celebrating the holiday season on the road, working. It occurred to me that there must be moments of intense longing for home, for family, for the little things like cooking a meal. I know that the cast becomes family, and that meaningful and lasting friendships are formed, but I also know that it is possible to feel lonely even when you are not really alone.
I am empathetic by nature, and the more I learned about the people behind the makeup, the more compassion I felt. Because of the desire to know and understand, I made connections with several very special people, whom I now consider to be friends. I have traveled to see this wonderful group many times, and there are few things more satisfying than showing love and support in person. I know that it is appreciated. I care about the performers for who they are offstage. I celebrate their accomplishments, and I feel their disappointments. Some of these people hold a very special place in my heart. I have been treated with such kindness, and I have been given so much. This feeling of gratitude is always with me.
The story and music of Wicked is close to my heart for so many reasons, which I could not possibly describe here. But now you know why I carry it wherever I go like a giant heart-shaped balloon.
I have been deeply interested in the early details and little bits of history that made Wicked what it is today. I am in awe of the collaboration of imaginations, and I have a strong appreciation for the creative processes involved in bringing the show to life.
Idina Menzel is one of my very favorite female performers. She originated the role of Maureen in RENT, and the role of Elphaba in Wicked. She is a trailblazer of sorts, and she is a powerful and charismatic performer. When I learned that Idina was doing a series of concerts, I knew I had to see her.
It has been five months since I opened the envelope of tickets with crazy excitement. And finally, Sunday night, I had another incredible opportunity to be part of something very special. I got to spend an evening with Idina Menzel.
My "Enchanted" Evening
Idina Menzel with the St. Louis Symphony
January 23, 2011
The Powell Symphony Hall, St. Louis, Missouri
The Powell Symphony Hall is a gorgeous space just down the street from The (Fabulous) Fox Theater, where Jerry Seinfeld performed the evening before. It was a chilly and snowy afternoon. The snow had been falling all day, and it churred quietly up until the time of the show. Everything shimmered and sparkled. I posed next to Idina’s framed poster in the lobby, and my husband and I found our seats, which happened to be eighth row orchestra. We admired the hall, with its domes and intricate carvings while we listened to parts of the orchestra begin to warm up. As the time of the show grew nearer, musicians filled in the empty spots and if you listened closely enough, you could make out the abbreviated strands of songs like “Defying Gravity,” just as you can in the moments before Wicked begins.
Idina’s composer took his place and finally, the lights went down. A deafening round of applause greeted Idina. She looked happy, healthy, and positively radiant in a deep purple, greek-style, wrap gown. Her shiny dark hair was draped elegantly over one shoulder. No jewelry, no shoes, Idina started off with “Life of the Party.” She sounded smooth, rich, and strong. She carried herself beautifully, and interacted with us often. Between songs, she shared funny stories about her adventures and the songs themselves. Idina was surprisingly funny and a bit sassy. The delivery of her stories was charming, and her comedic timing could not have been better.
Idina talked about her 2008 performance at the Kennedy Center, where she sang for Barbara Streisand before she went into “Funny Girl”, “Don’t Rain On My Parade,” “Love For Sale,” and “Gorgeous,” a song she wrote about the freedom to love whom we love. “Gorgeous,” was one of my favorite songs of the show. It was amazing to see Idina sing with such emotion, and in her own words.
We got to hear “I’m Not That Girl” from Wicked, her first of three songs from the show. You could see her slip back into Elphaba for a few minutes. It was truly something to see.
Then, there was “Poker Face.” Yes she did. She had the St. Louis Symphony playing Gaga. It was really great. Halfway through the first part of the song, Idina stopped the entire orchestra to tell the very funny story about her role on Glee. She was hilarious in her explaination of the how the suggestive lyrics made for an awkward mother-daughter reunion. She continued the song, and through the laughter, she emphasized the “muffin” lyrics, and finished with song with huge applause.
There were other songs that she shared, including ones she had written for her 17-month-old son, Walker Nathaniel Diggs. A bit silly, but extremely endearing, she mixed the songs with sweet stories of new motherhood.
One of the more moving moments of the show was when Idina sang, “No Day But Today,” from RENT. She took a more serious tone when telling the story of Jonathan Larson’s sudden death just prior to the opening of the show. She used the moment to help us understand why she feels so strongly and passionately about her work - that it is her goal to deliver the message. She went on to sing a beautiful and somber “No Day But Today.”
After she thanked us for coming to see her, the symphony for accompanying her, and the hall for hosting her, Idina suddenly and surprisingly lowered her microphone and began to sing, with no instrumentation or amplification of any kind, Elphaba’s lyrics to “For Good.” This was the defining moment of the entire show. There, in the absolute silence, was the most perfect, intimate, delivery of “For Good” that I had ever experienced. The audience roared when she finished. Me? It took my breath away. I didn’t expect her to sing the song, and without any introduction or warning, she just did. It was so beautiful. My eyes instantly burned with impending tears, and I got tired of trying to fight them, so I let them go.
Idina went right into the re-arranged version of “Defying Gravity.” There was an indescribable swell in the audience, particularly in the first notes: “Something has changed within me, something is not the same….” I can’t explain what it was like, knowing all of the history behind Wicked, and Idina’s role in its creation, to hear her sing that song. No tears, just goosebumps. It was something to be remembered with great emotion and detail.
Idina waved and scampered offstage for a moment before returning to a very grown-up and heartfelt performance of “Tomorrow” from Annie. It was a perfect ending to a perfect show. Idina accepted a standing ovation and endless applause. A girl approached the stage and handed Idina a vibrant bouquet of pink-tipped roses. She took a bow, said goodnight, and away she went. Simply stunning.
It is true that I waited, along with about one hundred and fifty other people, outside the stage door at The Powell in some serious cold for over an hour. By the time Idina emerged, I couldn't feel my feet. I couldn't see her either. I have had several wonderful experiences visiting stage doors, but this was not one of them. I was shocked by the blatant disregard for Idina's safety. Before she came out, one of two security guards asked us to line up along the sidewalk and to clear a path to her vehicle. No one moved. A second guard came and told us that Idina would be happy to sign a few autographs if there was cooperation. No one moved. I was heartbroken that the crowd was being so selfish and pushy. Still, I stayed to the back, along the side and hoped that people would show some respect.
The only reason I knew she was there is because the crowd started closing in. Idina is small, and she got lost in the mix. She was quiet but polite, signing as many Playbills and Grimmeries as she could between being pulled in another direction. Finally she was close enough that I could see her. I was in the back, but I asked her if she would please sign my Elphaba doll. She looked at me and reached for it. I was scared that I might drop her, and she would get stepped on or lost. But, Idina had her, signed her, and handed her back without incident. Although it was difficult to hear her over the crowd, Idina smiled and asked me if I wanted her (the doll) back. I was impressed that she was able to joke and remain so calm in the chaos. I was very appreciative of her time, but I was also a bit frightened for her. Idina didn't take any photos, and she only signed about 25 autographs. I know that if she felt that she could have, she would have stayed for everyone.
I don't think there is any excuse that kind of chaos and disrespect at a stage door like that. Safety comes first. Period. I am disappointed that Idina was still escorted out that door without having the situation under control. Thankfully, she was able to get to her vehicle safely and relatively quickly, but I know there was the potential for things to go very differently. There should be clear boundaries in place long before anyone is allowed to come out of that door. If people can't live with boundaries, they should be asked to leave.
When people speak of having “a gift” or a “talent,” it usually refers to a physical ability like singing, dancing, or drawing. I have been learning that our “gifts” and “talents” reach far beyond anything physical. It is unfortunate that we resign to being “ordinary” when we don’t show any outstanding ability to sing, dance, write, speak, or act.
In Idina’s case, and in the case of many other great performers I spoke of earlier, the true “gift” is the passion and enthusiasm to deliver a message. There is the obvious benefit of voice and song of course, but there is certainly something special about the ability to convey, to deliver, and to touch.
In my heart, I believe that Idina Menzel enjoyed performing for us just as much as we enjoyed having her. I wish her, her husband, Taye, and her son, Walker, nothing but the very best. I can only hope to see her again in the future.
Ruth
Anyone who knows me knows that great music and live theater bring me great joy. I have been very fortunate to experience some amazing performances of “Wicked” in the last year and a half. I have watched talented performers literally become someone else through the power of music and emotion. I have been inspired by their dedication, passion, and gratitude. I have gotten to know many of these very kind people, a few of them rather well, and I feel blessed to have their friendship. I realize that there are many people who I have would not have otherwise been able to connect with but for this shared love and appreciation. Music, and the performing arts bring people together in a way that very few things on Earth do.
In the last eighteen months, I have learned a lot about the very exhausting yet exhilarating work of live performers. I appreciate the amount of energy and dedication that goes into the transformation we get to see onstage. There is such fluidity and consistency among the parts of the whole, that you nearly forget that the performers are “real people” and are very separate from the complex characters they portray eight times a week.
The first time I saw Wicked, in October 2009, I was completely enchanted. I was lucky enough to hold a seat in the first row, and I was able to see all of the rich details in the costumes, the authenticity of the props, and, most importantly, the very telling facial expressions. This was my first live theater experience, and I credit the amazing cast of the Second National Touring Company of Wicked for awakening that unlikely spark within me.
Every performer I know will tell you how blessed they feel to be working and to love what they get to do. Exceptional performers make what they do look fun, fresh, and effortless, regardless how many times they have done it before. It might seem like these very talented people are just “dancing through life” and having a glamorous time all of the time. The truth is that these performers take their careers very seriously, and they worked very hard to get where they are. These men and women didn’t just pop into an audition one day for fun. They went to school, hold degrees, and work six days a week.
The first time I saw the show, I was so engaged in the experience, that I believed that Marcie Dodd was Elphaba. She embodied the Elphaba I knew in every possible way. I felt like I was watching Oz unfold less than ten feet in front of me. I left the theater changed, affected in a way I could not fully describe. On the drive home I started thinking about who the performers were. Where did they call home? Were any of them parents? Did any of them have spouses waiting for them?
The impression stayed with me a long time. I wondered what it must be like to travel the country, to change cities every three to four weeks, to literally live with your co-workers. When the holidays came, I thought about the cast and crew and how they were celebrating the holiday season on the road, working. It occurred to me that there must be moments of intense longing for home, for family, for the little things like cooking a meal. I know that the cast becomes family, and that meaningful and lasting friendships are formed, but I also know that it is possible to feel lonely even when you are not really alone.
I am empathetic by nature, and the more I learned about the people behind the makeup, the more compassion I felt. Because of the desire to know and understand, I made connections with several very special people, whom I now consider to be friends. I have traveled to see this wonderful group many times, and there are few things more satisfying than showing love and support in person. I know that it is appreciated. I care about the performers for who they are offstage. I celebrate their accomplishments, and I feel their disappointments. Some of these people hold a very special place in my heart. I have been treated with such kindness, and I have been given so much. This feeling of gratitude is always with me.
The story and music of Wicked is close to my heart for so many reasons, which I could not possibly describe here. But now you know why I carry it wherever I go like a giant heart-shaped balloon.
I have been deeply interested in the early details and little bits of history that made Wicked what it is today. I am in awe of the collaboration of imaginations, and I have a strong appreciation for the creative processes involved in bringing the show to life.
Idina Menzel is one of my very favorite female performers. She originated the role of Maureen in RENT, and the role of Elphaba in Wicked. She is a trailblazer of sorts, and she is a powerful and charismatic performer. When I learned that Idina was doing a series of concerts, I knew I had to see her.
It has been five months since I opened the envelope of tickets with crazy excitement. And finally, Sunday night, I had another incredible opportunity to be part of something very special. I got to spend an evening with Idina Menzel.
My "Enchanted" Evening
Idina Menzel with the St. Louis Symphony
January 23, 2011
The Powell Symphony Hall, St. Louis, Missouri
The Powell Symphony Hall is a gorgeous space just down the street from The (Fabulous) Fox Theater, where Jerry Seinfeld performed the evening before. It was a chilly and snowy afternoon. The snow had been falling all day, and it churred quietly up until the time of the show. Everything shimmered and sparkled. I posed next to Idina’s framed poster in the lobby, and my husband and I found our seats, which happened to be eighth row orchestra. We admired the hall, with its domes and intricate carvings while we listened to parts of the orchestra begin to warm up. As the time of the show grew nearer, musicians filled in the empty spots and if you listened closely enough, you could make out the abbreviated strands of songs like “Defying Gravity,” just as you can in the moments before Wicked begins.
Idina’s composer took his place and finally, the lights went down. A deafening round of applause greeted Idina. She looked happy, healthy, and positively radiant in a deep purple, greek-style, wrap gown. Her shiny dark hair was draped elegantly over one shoulder. No jewelry, no shoes, Idina started off with “Life of the Party.” She sounded smooth, rich, and strong. She carried herself beautifully, and interacted with us often. Between songs, she shared funny stories about her adventures and the songs themselves. Idina was surprisingly funny and a bit sassy. The delivery of her stories was charming, and her comedic timing could not have been better.
Idina talked about her 2008 performance at the Kennedy Center, where she sang for Barbara Streisand before she went into “Funny Girl”, “Don’t Rain On My Parade,” “Love For Sale,” and “Gorgeous,” a song she wrote about the freedom to love whom we love. “Gorgeous,” was one of my favorite songs of the show. It was amazing to see Idina sing with such emotion, and in her own words.
We got to hear “I’m Not That Girl” from Wicked, her first of three songs from the show. You could see her slip back into Elphaba for a few minutes. It was truly something to see.
Then, there was “Poker Face.” Yes she did. She had the St. Louis Symphony playing Gaga. It was really great. Halfway through the first part of the song, Idina stopped the entire orchestra to tell the very funny story about her role on Glee. She was hilarious in her explaination of the how the suggestive lyrics made for an awkward mother-daughter reunion. She continued the song, and through the laughter, she emphasized the “muffin” lyrics, and finished with song with huge applause.
There were other songs that she shared, including ones she had written for her 17-month-old son, Walker Nathaniel Diggs. A bit silly, but extremely endearing, she mixed the songs with sweet stories of new motherhood.
One of the more moving moments of the show was when Idina sang, “No Day But Today,” from RENT. She took a more serious tone when telling the story of Jonathan Larson’s sudden death just prior to the opening of the show. She used the moment to help us understand why she feels so strongly and passionately about her work - that it is her goal to deliver the message. She went on to sing a beautiful and somber “No Day But Today.”
After she thanked us for coming to see her, the symphony for accompanying her, and the hall for hosting her, Idina suddenly and surprisingly lowered her microphone and began to sing, with no instrumentation or amplification of any kind, Elphaba’s lyrics to “For Good.” This was the defining moment of the entire show. There, in the absolute silence, was the most perfect, intimate, delivery of “For Good” that I had ever experienced. The audience roared when she finished. Me? It took my breath away. I didn’t expect her to sing the song, and without any introduction or warning, she just did. It was so beautiful. My eyes instantly burned with impending tears, and I got tired of trying to fight them, so I let them go.
Idina went right into the re-arranged version of “Defying Gravity.” There was an indescribable swell in the audience, particularly in the first notes: “Something has changed within me, something is not the same….” I can’t explain what it was like, knowing all of the history behind Wicked, and Idina’s role in its creation, to hear her sing that song. No tears, just goosebumps. It was something to be remembered with great emotion and detail.
Idina waved and scampered offstage for a moment before returning to a very grown-up and heartfelt performance of “Tomorrow” from Annie. It was a perfect ending to a perfect show. Idina accepted a standing ovation and endless applause. A girl approached the stage and handed Idina a vibrant bouquet of pink-tipped roses. She took a bow, said goodnight, and away she went. Simply stunning.
It is true that I waited, along with about one hundred and fifty other people, outside the stage door at The Powell in some serious cold for over an hour. By the time Idina emerged, I couldn't feel my feet. I couldn't see her either. I have had several wonderful experiences visiting stage doors, but this was not one of them. I was shocked by the blatant disregard for Idina's safety. Before she came out, one of two security guards asked us to line up along the sidewalk and to clear a path to her vehicle. No one moved. A second guard came and told us that Idina would be happy to sign a few autographs if there was cooperation. No one moved. I was heartbroken that the crowd was being so selfish and pushy. Still, I stayed to the back, along the side and hoped that people would show some respect.
The only reason I knew she was there is because the crowd started closing in. Idina is small, and she got lost in the mix. She was quiet but polite, signing as many Playbills and Grimmeries as she could between being pulled in another direction. Finally she was close enough that I could see her. I was in the back, but I asked her if she would please sign my Elphaba doll. She looked at me and reached for it. I was scared that I might drop her, and she would get stepped on or lost. But, Idina had her, signed her, and handed her back without incident. Although it was difficult to hear her over the crowd, Idina smiled and asked me if I wanted her (the doll) back. I was impressed that she was able to joke and remain so calm in the chaos. I was very appreciative of her time, but I was also a bit frightened for her. Idina didn't take any photos, and she only signed about 25 autographs. I know that if she felt that she could have, she would have stayed for everyone.
I don't think there is any excuse that kind of chaos and disrespect at a stage door like that. Safety comes first. Period. I am disappointed that Idina was still escorted out that door without having the situation under control. Thankfully, she was able to get to her vehicle safely and relatively quickly, but I know there was the potential for things to go very differently. There should be clear boundaries in place long before anyone is allowed to come out of that door. If people can't live with boundaries, they should be asked to leave.
When people speak of having “a gift” or a “talent,” it usually refers to a physical ability like singing, dancing, or drawing. I have been learning that our “gifts” and “talents” reach far beyond anything physical. It is unfortunate that we resign to being “ordinary” when we don’t show any outstanding ability to sing, dance, write, speak, or act.
In Idina’s case, and in the case of many other great performers I spoke of earlier, the true “gift” is the passion and enthusiasm to deliver a message. There is the obvious benefit of voice and song of course, but there is certainly something special about the ability to convey, to deliver, and to touch.
In my heart, I believe that Idina Menzel enjoyed performing for us just as much as we enjoyed having her. I wish her, her husband, Taye, and her son, Walker, nothing but the very best. I can only hope to see her again in the future.
Ruth
Thursday, January 13, 2011
The Magic of Magic...
There are few things more joyful than realizing that we can change our lives by changing our thoughts. Energy infuses everything, I mean everything, and we have the power to raise it, release it, transfer it, and convert it. There comes a time when we discover our own power. For me, it was, and still is, an unfolding sort of discovery. I am speaking of my faith. I am speaking of magic.
When people think of magic, they often think of fairytales, wizards, and magical wands that produce sparks, smoke, and ridiculous happenings. I credit these silly images to Hollywood, mostly. There are the attempts at a light-hearted and whimsical picture of magic, and what it might be. I can deal with these. What is so dishartening, so deeply insulting, is the idea that magic is inherently evil. I can accept that people fear the things they do not understand. What I cannot accept is judgment without the intention to seek the truth. Hey, if magic really was the hocus pocus that it is perceived to be, I could just wave my wand and "poof" all of the misconceptions away, right?
I am not going to be naive. I understand that not everyone who works with magic sees it quite the same way. I expect that there are individuals who practice what is known as "black magic," and this is something very different. It is recognized in Wicca as a polar opposite of healing and goodness, or "white magic." Other than that, the "dark" workings that people fear have no place in Wicca, and certainly no place in my personal beliefs. I cannot claim to speak intelligently on other faiths, so I ask for understanding in advance.
I cannot possibly go into the specifics of the Wiccan faith or the particulars of my own spirituality in this blog post. I can attempt to explain what magic is, and why it has become such an incredible tool in my life. I write not to negate other possibilities, but to share what is not easily understood. I can only speak for myself, although I know plenty of wonderful people who practice the magic of Wicca with high morals and grace, fully abiding by the Wiccan Rede, (the nutshell version): Harm None. I also seek to follow this rule. I work on my own, and for myself. I never, ever, interfere with another's will. I do not, and will not use magic to cause harm to anyone, including myself.
The truth is that magic is whatever you need it to be. Magic is about working with the energies that naturally infuse the environment, spaces, objects, beings, and situations. I happen to be very sensitive to these energies, both naturally and through practice. After developing an awareness to energy, I started to learn how to feel it. Nearly everyone has an experience with feeling energy. It is that intuitive feeling when you meet a person, walk into a room, or get close to an animal. Sometimes the feeling is palpable, other times it is more subtle. It depends on our awareness and how much we trust ourselves and our intuition. As I said in an earlier post, I believe this awareness, sensitivity, and trust is born into us, and that as we move through life these natural gifts are filtered by distraction, perception, and society. I have been lucky enough to go back to that place and get in touch with these very basic yet awesome abilities, and to apply them to my daily life.
Once I started reading about and experimenting with energy, I discovered that our thoughts are extremely powerful. We feed our thoughts as we think them and simultaniously power them with energy - positive or negative. If we have the power to manifest negative energies, then we certainly have the power to manifest postive energies. And further, we have the power to convert the negative to postive, and vice versa. Ideally, of course, we seek to transform negative energies to positve ones. In order to do this, you have to know your own power, trust your intuition, and be willing to so the work here on the Earthly plane to make what you seek come to fruition.
Without going too deeply into my faith, I should tell you that I work with several kinds of energy: my own, Earth energy, Universal energy, and Devine energy. For me, and many others, Devine energy is a perfect combination of masculine and feminine energies - this awesome existence is known as Spirit. Spirit is the life force that infuses everything, living or created. The idea is, that with perfect love, and perfect trust, we allow Spirit to guide us along our journey. I cannot prove this, of course, that is why it is called faith. The idea of male and female energies working together to create and sustain makes sense to me. While I feel very strongly about this, I acknowledge and respect the beliefs of others. It is because of my faith that I can say this with the utmost sincerity. Still, to feel is to know, and that is why I call my faith, Wicca, my personal truth.
Back to magic...what else is the self-fulfilling prophecy but thoughts into action powered by energy? We create our reality. We have a choice. My choice is to harness the negative energy surrounding OCD, and release it. By releasing it, I make room for new positive thoughts. I have decided that I have given OCD too much control by allowing the negative to consume me, and that it is time to take back my control. I have all the faith in the world that I can do this, and that I can do this well.
It may or may not be fair to compare what I seek to a prayer. I am taking what I need and asking Devine Spirit to work with me, to help me see the tools I need (strength, patience, balance, etc.) so that I can work to manifest the healthy and positive outcome I desire. Magic is kind of a prayer with action. Personal, meaningful symbols (colors, stones, lighting of candles, etc.) are used as hands-on metaphors which are very helpful for me. I have experienced many amazing things during my time practicing magic. Maybe you can imagine now how the idea that what I and so many others partake in is "wrong" or "evil" hurts me deeply. Still, I have to remember that we fear what we don't understand.
Most people who know me are supportive of my spiritual life. I have had a couple of negative reactions, however. In one case, the misunderstandings have given a special relationship a chance to grow through sharing, and despite our decision to agree to disagree, there is respect, friendship, and love.
The bottom line is that magic may be greatly misundertood, but I am willing to share what it means to me in order to help someone I care about understand it a little bit better. I feel that when we take the time and make the effort to really and truly listen to those we love when they share something as intimate and sacred as their beliefs, we open up to higher levels of being - and that is a magical thing.
When people think of magic, they often think of fairytales, wizards, and magical wands that produce sparks, smoke, and ridiculous happenings. I credit these silly images to Hollywood, mostly. There are the attempts at a light-hearted and whimsical picture of magic, and what it might be. I can deal with these. What is so dishartening, so deeply insulting, is the idea that magic is inherently evil. I can accept that people fear the things they do not understand. What I cannot accept is judgment without the intention to seek the truth. Hey, if magic really was the hocus pocus that it is perceived to be, I could just wave my wand and "poof" all of the misconceptions away, right?
I am not going to be naive. I understand that not everyone who works with magic sees it quite the same way. I expect that there are individuals who practice what is known as "black magic," and this is something very different. It is recognized in Wicca as a polar opposite of healing and goodness, or "white magic." Other than that, the "dark" workings that people fear have no place in Wicca, and certainly no place in my personal beliefs. I cannot claim to speak intelligently on other faiths, so I ask for understanding in advance.
I cannot possibly go into the specifics of the Wiccan faith or the particulars of my own spirituality in this blog post. I can attempt to explain what magic is, and why it has become such an incredible tool in my life. I write not to negate other possibilities, but to share what is not easily understood. I can only speak for myself, although I know plenty of wonderful people who practice the magic of Wicca with high morals and grace, fully abiding by the Wiccan Rede, (the nutshell version): Harm None. I also seek to follow this rule. I work on my own, and for myself. I never, ever, interfere with another's will. I do not, and will not use magic to cause harm to anyone, including myself.
The truth is that magic is whatever you need it to be. Magic is about working with the energies that naturally infuse the environment, spaces, objects, beings, and situations. I happen to be very sensitive to these energies, both naturally and through practice. After developing an awareness to energy, I started to learn how to feel it. Nearly everyone has an experience with feeling energy. It is that intuitive feeling when you meet a person, walk into a room, or get close to an animal. Sometimes the feeling is palpable, other times it is more subtle. It depends on our awareness and how much we trust ourselves and our intuition. As I said in an earlier post, I believe this awareness, sensitivity, and trust is born into us, and that as we move through life these natural gifts are filtered by distraction, perception, and society. I have been lucky enough to go back to that place and get in touch with these very basic yet awesome abilities, and to apply them to my daily life.
Once I started reading about and experimenting with energy, I discovered that our thoughts are extremely powerful. We feed our thoughts as we think them and simultaniously power them with energy - positive or negative. If we have the power to manifest negative energies, then we certainly have the power to manifest postive energies. And further, we have the power to convert the negative to postive, and vice versa. Ideally, of course, we seek to transform negative energies to positve ones. In order to do this, you have to know your own power, trust your intuition, and be willing to so the work here on the Earthly plane to make what you seek come to fruition.
Without going too deeply into my faith, I should tell you that I work with several kinds of energy: my own, Earth energy, Universal energy, and Devine energy. For me, and many others, Devine energy is a perfect combination of masculine and feminine energies - this awesome existence is known as Spirit. Spirit is the life force that infuses everything, living or created. The idea is, that with perfect love, and perfect trust, we allow Spirit to guide us along our journey. I cannot prove this, of course, that is why it is called faith. The idea of male and female energies working together to create and sustain makes sense to me. While I feel very strongly about this, I acknowledge and respect the beliefs of others. It is because of my faith that I can say this with the utmost sincerity. Still, to feel is to know, and that is why I call my faith, Wicca, my personal truth.
Back to magic...what else is the self-fulfilling prophecy but thoughts into action powered by energy? We create our reality. We have a choice. My choice is to harness the negative energy surrounding OCD, and release it. By releasing it, I make room for new positive thoughts. I have decided that I have given OCD too much control by allowing the negative to consume me, and that it is time to take back my control. I have all the faith in the world that I can do this, and that I can do this well.
It may or may not be fair to compare what I seek to a prayer. I am taking what I need and asking Devine Spirit to work with me, to help me see the tools I need (strength, patience, balance, etc.) so that I can work to manifest the healthy and positive outcome I desire. Magic is kind of a prayer with action. Personal, meaningful symbols (colors, stones, lighting of candles, etc.) are used as hands-on metaphors which are very helpful for me. I have experienced many amazing things during my time practicing magic. Maybe you can imagine now how the idea that what I and so many others partake in is "wrong" or "evil" hurts me deeply. Still, I have to remember that we fear what we don't understand.
Most people who know me are supportive of my spiritual life. I have had a couple of negative reactions, however. In one case, the misunderstandings have given a special relationship a chance to grow through sharing, and despite our decision to agree to disagree, there is respect, friendship, and love.
The bottom line is that magic may be greatly misundertood, but I am willing to share what it means to me in order to help someone I care about understand it a little bit better. I feel that when we take the time and make the effort to really and truly listen to those we love when they share something as intimate and sacred as their beliefs, we open up to higher levels of being - and that is a magical thing.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Mind Over Matter
I am facinated by Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. It is far more complex than most would credit, and I know this to be true. OCD is on the spectrum of anxiety disorders, and it has the destructive potential of an F-5 tornado. It is intense, frightening, and surprisingly unpredictible. There are many faces of OCD, and like a diamond of a thousand angles and planes, symptoms very wildly. I would venture to say that no two individuals with OCD feel they share the same disorder . There are commonalities, yes, but the particularity of the symptoms and the root of the disorder are as unique as can be.
It can be really difficult to determine what is considered obsessive-compulsive behavior and what is not. Truth be told, it is not necessarily the behaviors that are the issue, but rather the reaction we have when we try to change our behavior. There are plenty of people who are well-organized, tidy, and prefer things to be done a certain way, but that in and of itself does not constiute OCD. It is what happens to people when that tidy kitchen, just by the nature of being lived in, becomes messy, or what becomes of the person whose daily routine has changed due to an unexpected change in plans. I imagine that people without obsessive-compulsive disorder may be slightly irked at the sight of a messy and cluttered kitchen countertop. I suspect that most people would feel somewhat off kilter to find their daily routine disrupted. Nevertheless, life goes on. I can only guess about these things. I can tell you what would happen to someone with OCD.
Compulsive behaviors cannot be interrupted. If they are, for whatever reason, the consequences can be overwhelming. The anxiety of not acting on compulsions is profoundly painful. There is physical pain and total mental and emotional chaos. The urgency to carry on trumps everything and everyone else. Walking away from the kitchen does not feel like an option. To continue is to soothe, however fleeting it may be. There is a false sense of control in the cleaning and the ordering. All sensibility says that there is no control at all. That is the puzzle of OCD - the awareness and the struggle against it.
I consider myself to be an intelligent person and capable of rational thought. It is shocking for those who know me well to watch me struggle and to see the irony in my behavior. My husband has asked me if I have control of what I do. Afterall, it seems that I should with the awareness that I have. The answer to his question used to be, 'no, none whatsoever.' As my awareness increases, however, my understanding deepens. The next time my husband asks me if I have any contol over my behavior, my answer will be, 'yes, perhaps I do."
There are a myriad of reasons why, at age thirty-two, my outlook has shifted to a healthier, happier place. I will write about these reasons as I go. There is no way to make this long story short. That is not what this blog is about. I am interested in sharing everything. This is part of my healing process.
OCD has been part of me for as long as I can remember. I don't recall a time in my life when I need not feel the need to order objects. Some of my earliest memories are cleaning my room, slowly and methodically as a four or five-year-old child. I know of some people who can tell you exactly what triggered their OCD - a traumatic event, a big life change, or even the ending of a relationship. I don't have an answer. It just is.
Symptoms wax and wane, and sometimes they completely disappear only to have new ones begin. There are so many branches to OCD, although some are more widely recognized than others. Cleaning and ordering symptoms have always been with me. I noticed a dramatic spike in these symptoms following the birth of my first daughter, almost eight years ago. Life changed, however wonderfully, and became more chaotic and unpredictable. I faked control through OCD.
Although they have never disappeared, my cleaning and ordering symptoms subsided for a short time, and I began to experience somatic and contamination symptoms as well. All of these symptoms continued well into the birth of my second daughter and still exist today. The many faces of OCD - anxiety and fear can manifest itself in so many different ways.
OCD is exhausting, but what is even more draining is feeling like a victim. I am learning, through my spirituality, that everything that exists, living or created, is made of and from energy. This prompted me to really examine how I am using my own energy. I have decided that this disorder does not deserve my energy. We are powerful beings, and we have the ability to manifest things by giving them energy whether they truly exist or not. Often times you will hear someone say that forgiveness is so incredibly healing because you are no longer fueling a grudge or wound with your energy. I have put this into practice, and I can tell you that this is true. I have found the strength to forgive others, and most recently, myself. Forgiving yourself for your own shortcomings is perhaps one of the most difficult things to do. It also happens to be the most rewarding.
Being strongly empathic by nature, I was surprised to realize that I had little love and compassion for myself. Loving myself has been the key to this transformation. Because this is a new concept for me at thirty-two, I find that I need a constant reminder. I take the time to ground, center, and protect my body, mind, and Spirit everyday. I feel self-love as an energy, and I see it as a color. I consciously move it throughout my being and radiate it outward. Even though I can fall back into familiar patterns and feed my compulsions, I have a new level of awareness that allows me to pull myself back into balance quickly and gracefully.
Living in the moment and being fully present in the 'big picture' is truly the most exhilirating way to live life. I have faith that living this way will continue to come more naturally. Remembering where I came from and why I am here makes all the difference in the world. My Spirit is so much bigger than OCD.
Talking openly about OCD is both painful and healing. I have experiences to share on both sides of this disorder. You are catching me at the very crux. This transformation is happening as I write. It is a slow and steady process that I believe in with all my heart. As I said, we are born with an innate power to heal ourselves. I am working on a rather impressive set of tools for my toolbox. Some are new, but many have been there the whole time. I just needed to know how to use them.
Ruth
It can be really difficult to determine what is considered obsessive-compulsive behavior and what is not. Truth be told, it is not necessarily the behaviors that are the issue, but rather the reaction we have when we try to change our behavior. There are plenty of people who are well-organized, tidy, and prefer things to be done a certain way, but that in and of itself does not constiute OCD. It is what happens to people when that tidy kitchen, just by the nature of being lived in, becomes messy, or what becomes of the person whose daily routine has changed due to an unexpected change in plans. I imagine that people without obsessive-compulsive disorder may be slightly irked at the sight of a messy and cluttered kitchen countertop. I suspect that most people would feel somewhat off kilter to find their daily routine disrupted. Nevertheless, life goes on. I can only guess about these things. I can tell you what would happen to someone with OCD.
Compulsive behaviors cannot be interrupted. If they are, for whatever reason, the consequences can be overwhelming. The anxiety of not acting on compulsions is profoundly painful. There is physical pain and total mental and emotional chaos. The urgency to carry on trumps everything and everyone else. Walking away from the kitchen does not feel like an option. To continue is to soothe, however fleeting it may be. There is a false sense of control in the cleaning and the ordering. All sensibility says that there is no control at all. That is the puzzle of OCD - the awareness and the struggle against it.
I consider myself to be an intelligent person and capable of rational thought. It is shocking for those who know me well to watch me struggle and to see the irony in my behavior. My husband has asked me if I have control of what I do. Afterall, it seems that I should with the awareness that I have. The answer to his question used to be, 'no, none whatsoever.' As my awareness increases, however, my understanding deepens. The next time my husband asks me if I have any contol over my behavior, my answer will be, 'yes, perhaps I do."
There are a myriad of reasons why, at age thirty-two, my outlook has shifted to a healthier, happier place. I will write about these reasons as I go. There is no way to make this long story short. That is not what this blog is about. I am interested in sharing everything. This is part of my healing process.
OCD has been part of me for as long as I can remember. I don't recall a time in my life when I need not feel the need to order objects. Some of my earliest memories are cleaning my room, slowly and methodically as a four or five-year-old child. I know of some people who can tell you exactly what triggered their OCD - a traumatic event, a big life change, or even the ending of a relationship. I don't have an answer. It just is.
Symptoms wax and wane, and sometimes they completely disappear only to have new ones begin. There are so many branches to OCD, although some are more widely recognized than others. Cleaning and ordering symptoms have always been with me. I noticed a dramatic spike in these symptoms following the birth of my first daughter, almost eight years ago. Life changed, however wonderfully, and became more chaotic and unpredictable. I faked control through OCD.
Although they have never disappeared, my cleaning and ordering symptoms subsided for a short time, and I began to experience somatic and contamination symptoms as well. All of these symptoms continued well into the birth of my second daughter and still exist today. The many faces of OCD - anxiety and fear can manifest itself in so many different ways.
OCD is exhausting, but what is even more draining is feeling like a victim. I am learning, through my spirituality, that everything that exists, living or created, is made of and from energy. This prompted me to really examine how I am using my own energy. I have decided that this disorder does not deserve my energy. We are powerful beings, and we have the ability to manifest things by giving them energy whether they truly exist or not. Often times you will hear someone say that forgiveness is so incredibly healing because you are no longer fueling a grudge or wound with your energy. I have put this into practice, and I can tell you that this is true. I have found the strength to forgive others, and most recently, myself. Forgiving yourself for your own shortcomings is perhaps one of the most difficult things to do. It also happens to be the most rewarding.
Being strongly empathic by nature, I was surprised to realize that I had little love and compassion for myself. Loving myself has been the key to this transformation. Because this is a new concept for me at thirty-two, I find that I need a constant reminder. I take the time to ground, center, and protect my body, mind, and Spirit everyday. I feel self-love as an energy, and I see it as a color. I consciously move it throughout my being and radiate it outward. Even though I can fall back into familiar patterns and feed my compulsions, I have a new level of awareness that allows me to pull myself back into balance quickly and gracefully.
Living in the moment and being fully present in the 'big picture' is truly the most exhilirating way to live life. I have faith that living this way will continue to come more naturally. Remembering where I came from and why I am here makes all the difference in the world. My Spirit is so much bigger than OCD.
Talking openly about OCD is both painful and healing. I have experiences to share on both sides of this disorder. You are catching me at the very crux. This transformation is happening as I write. It is a slow and steady process that I believe in with all my heart. As I said, we are born with an innate power to heal ourselves. I am working on a rather impressive set of tools for my toolbox. Some are new, but many have been there the whole time. I just needed to know how to use them.
Ruth
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Inside Out: How I Got Here
I have learned never to underestimate the power of the human imagination. We are powerful beings, fully equipped from the beginning. If this seems unrealistic, just consider it for a moment. We are born curious and full of wonder. We are amazed by not only the extraordinary, but the ordinary. We delight in discovering the natural ebb and flow of events, from the rise and fall of our own breath, to the wax and wane of the moon, and to the cycle of the ever-changing seasons. We are born ready to learn, or more precisely, to feel.
My imagination has taken me all over the place. Most recently, it has taken me down a path of self-discovery and healing. Now it has taken me nearly thirty-two years to here, and that is fine by me. I trust that I got to this place in good time. I am joyously becoming.
I am compelled to share what I learn because I find it much too facinating to keep to myself. As individuals, we all have unique experiences to share. Even though we are truly unique, we are more alike than we might believe. We are the individual water droplets in the ocean - the ocean itself. I feel the connectedness, the oneness. This idea is changing my life. I am going inside myself, and applying what I am learning to the mundane. This is particularly amazing considering the obstacle challenging me in nearly every single aspect of my life. I have obsessive-compulsive disorder. My thoughts and behaviors are painfully dibilitating. Still, for the first time, I have faith that I can live beyond OCD.
The connection between us is palpable. I am inspired by this very candid snapshot to look at the bigger picture. Life feels remarkably different through a wider lens. Reaching beyond my physical body, on this Earthly plane, has taken me from hopless to hopeful. Suddenly the obsessive-compulsive thoughts and behaviors seem so small compared to my Spirit. I am discovering my personal power, and like the plates of the Earth, a shift occurs and big things happen. Life is beginning to look very different.
I invite you to read this very personal and insightful blog. I can assure you that I am not always this serious. I have a sense of humor, and I am prepared to use it. Also, I am not writing to impress anyone, just to inspire. I hold opinions that are not necessarily shared by the majority. My spiritual life may not be something easily understood. I have a distinct passion for the truth, and so I will write authentically, however unflattering it may be at times. If you can handle that, I promise nothing less than my best.
Since I started this life from the inside out, it only seems appropriate to continue in that direction. Afterall, we began life with an unlimited imagination and an empty chalice. We are often discouraged from using our imaginations at too young an age, and our chalices are full before we can process its contents. We inevitably lose sight of our innate ability to tune into "all that is." We forge on, investing our energies into achieving the goals we are told that we "need" to achieve, and to obtain the "things" that will somehow substatiate our "purpose" and give us fulfillment. We lose sight of the big picture, and we become so involved with the details of our daily life that we forget our personal power. We seek power and control externally, and we are told that we cannot trust our intuition. Our awareness becomes limited as we become distracted. It can be difficult to tune into our bodies, our needs, and each other, not to mention other realms of being. This journey is about turning myself inside out. I am going inside to remember the way it was in the beginning - when everything made sense. I want to "just be." That sounds easy enough...doesn't it?
Ruth
My imagination has taken me all over the place. Most recently, it has taken me down a path of self-discovery and healing. Now it has taken me nearly thirty-two years to here, and that is fine by me. I trust that I got to this place in good time. I am joyously becoming.
I am compelled to share what I learn because I find it much too facinating to keep to myself. As individuals, we all have unique experiences to share. Even though we are truly unique, we are more alike than we might believe. We are the individual water droplets in the ocean - the ocean itself. I feel the connectedness, the oneness. This idea is changing my life. I am going inside myself, and applying what I am learning to the mundane. This is particularly amazing considering the obstacle challenging me in nearly every single aspect of my life. I have obsessive-compulsive disorder. My thoughts and behaviors are painfully dibilitating. Still, for the first time, I have faith that I can live beyond OCD.
The connection between us is palpable. I am inspired by this very candid snapshot to look at the bigger picture. Life feels remarkably different through a wider lens. Reaching beyond my physical body, on this Earthly plane, has taken me from hopless to hopeful. Suddenly the obsessive-compulsive thoughts and behaviors seem so small compared to my Spirit. I am discovering my personal power, and like the plates of the Earth, a shift occurs and big things happen. Life is beginning to look very different.
I invite you to read this very personal and insightful blog. I can assure you that I am not always this serious. I have a sense of humor, and I am prepared to use it. Also, I am not writing to impress anyone, just to inspire. I hold opinions that are not necessarily shared by the majority. My spiritual life may not be something easily understood. I have a distinct passion for the truth, and so I will write authentically, however unflattering it may be at times. If you can handle that, I promise nothing less than my best.
Since I started this life from the inside out, it only seems appropriate to continue in that direction. Afterall, we began life with an unlimited imagination and an empty chalice. We are often discouraged from using our imaginations at too young an age, and our chalices are full before we can process its contents. We inevitably lose sight of our innate ability to tune into "all that is." We forge on, investing our energies into achieving the goals we are told that we "need" to achieve, and to obtain the "things" that will somehow substatiate our "purpose" and give us fulfillment. We lose sight of the big picture, and we become so involved with the details of our daily life that we forget our personal power. We seek power and control externally, and we are told that we cannot trust our intuition. Our awareness becomes limited as we become distracted. It can be difficult to tune into our bodies, our needs, and each other, not to mention other realms of being. This journey is about turning myself inside out. I am going inside to remember the way it was in the beginning - when everything made sense. I want to "just be." That sounds easy enough...doesn't it?
Ruth
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