I am facinated by Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. It is far more complex than most would credit, and I know this to be true. OCD is on the spectrum of anxiety disorders, and it has the destructive potential of an F-5 tornado. It is intense, frightening, and surprisingly unpredictible. There are many faces of OCD, and like a diamond of a thousand angles and planes, symptoms very wildly. I would venture to say that no two individuals with OCD feel they share the same disorder . There are commonalities, yes, but the particularity of the symptoms and the root of the disorder are as unique as can be.
It can be really difficult to determine what is considered obsessive-compulsive behavior and what is not. Truth be told, it is not necessarily the behaviors that are the issue, but rather the reaction we have when we try to change our behavior. There are plenty of people who are well-organized, tidy, and prefer things to be done a certain way, but that in and of itself does not constiute OCD. It is what happens to people when that tidy kitchen, just by the nature of being lived in, becomes messy, or what becomes of the person whose daily routine has changed due to an unexpected change in plans. I imagine that people without obsessive-compulsive disorder may be slightly irked at the sight of a messy and cluttered kitchen countertop. I suspect that most people would feel somewhat off kilter to find their daily routine disrupted. Nevertheless, life goes on. I can only guess about these things. I can tell you what would happen to someone with OCD.
Compulsive behaviors cannot be interrupted. If they are, for whatever reason, the consequences can be overwhelming. The anxiety of not acting on compulsions is profoundly painful. There is physical pain and total mental and emotional chaos. The urgency to carry on trumps everything and everyone else. Walking away from the kitchen does not feel like an option. To continue is to soothe, however fleeting it may be. There is a false sense of control in the cleaning and the ordering. All sensibility says that there is no control at all. That is the puzzle of OCD - the awareness and the struggle against it.
I consider myself to be an intelligent person and capable of rational thought. It is shocking for those who know me well to watch me struggle and to see the irony in my behavior. My husband has asked me if I have control of what I do. Afterall, it seems that I should with the awareness that I have. The answer to his question used to be, 'no, none whatsoever.' As my awareness increases, however, my understanding deepens. The next time my husband asks me if I have any contol over my behavior, my answer will be, 'yes, perhaps I do."
There are a myriad of reasons why, at age thirty-two, my outlook has shifted to a healthier, happier place. I will write about these reasons as I go. There is no way to make this long story short. That is not what this blog is about. I am interested in sharing everything. This is part of my healing process.
OCD has been part of me for as long as I can remember. I don't recall a time in my life when I need not feel the need to order objects. Some of my earliest memories are cleaning my room, slowly and methodically as a four or five-year-old child. I know of some people who can tell you exactly what triggered their OCD - a traumatic event, a big life change, or even the ending of a relationship. I don't have an answer. It just is.
Symptoms wax and wane, and sometimes they completely disappear only to have new ones begin. There are so many branches to OCD, although some are more widely recognized than others. Cleaning and ordering symptoms have always been with me. I noticed a dramatic spike in these symptoms following the birth of my first daughter, almost eight years ago. Life changed, however wonderfully, and became more chaotic and unpredictable. I faked control through OCD.
Although they have never disappeared, my cleaning and ordering symptoms subsided for a short time, and I began to experience somatic and contamination symptoms as well. All of these symptoms continued well into the birth of my second daughter and still exist today. The many faces of OCD - anxiety and fear can manifest itself in so many different ways.
OCD is exhausting, but what is even more draining is feeling like a victim. I am learning, through my spirituality, that everything that exists, living or created, is made of and from energy. This prompted me to really examine how I am using my own energy. I have decided that this disorder does not deserve my energy. We are powerful beings, and we have the ability to manifest things by giving them energy whether they truly exist or not. Often times you will hear someone say that forgiveness is so incredibly healing because you are no longer fueling a grudge or wound with your energy. I have put this into practice, and I can tell you that this is true. I have found the strength to forgive others, and most recently, myself. Forgiving yourself for your own shortcomings is perhaps one of the most difficult things to do. It also happens to be the most rewarding.
Being strongly empathic by nature, I was surprised to realize that I had little love and compassion for myself. Loving myself has been the key to this transformation. Because this is a new concept for me at thirty-two, I find that I need a constant reminder. I take the time to ground, center, and protect my body, mind, and Spirit everyday. I feel self-love as an energy, and I see it as a color. I consciously move it throughout my being and radiate it outward. Even though I can fall back into familiar patterns and feed my compulsions, I have a new level of awareness that allows me to pull myself back into balance quickly and gracefully.
Living in the moment and being fully present in the 'big picture' is truly the most exhilirating way to live life. I have faith that living this way will continue to come more naturally. Remembering where I came from and why I am here makes all the difference in the world. My Spirit is so much bigger than OCD.
Talking openly about OCD is both painful and healing. I have experiences to share on both sides of this disorder. You are catching me at the very crux. This transformation is happening as I write. It is a slow and steady process that I believe in with all my heart. As I said, we are born with an innate power to heal ourselves. I am working on a rather impressive set of tools for my toolbox. Some are new, but many have been there the whole time. I just needed to know how to use them.
Ruth
Ruth, Continue to write.....This is amazing. You should write a book. Im serious, You are like a painter with your words. I can see and almost feel each word. Love you
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